Edwige, Manta, and I made our way back to the hospital to check on the status of Waldo, our compatriot in our crusade against the Goose Lord and his gang. Albert Simmons, brother of the Revenging Manta and former accountant for the Goose Lord, walked out the hospital to give us the news on Waldo’s state. Tears were streaming down his face and he was blubbering mess. Manta patted him in the back and he finally relayed to us the shocking truth. 

“I put two dollars in the vending machine to get a Snickers Almond and it got stuck in the machine,” he said, shaking with anger.

— To be continued. 

Tonight’s movie is 1980’s Beyond Evil from director Herb Freed. What else did he direct? Graduation Day? A slasher movie from 1981 starring Linnea Quigley. Did I cover this movie or was that Final Exam? I don’t remember. Beyond Evil doesn’t star Linnea Quigley, but you do get John Saxon and Lynda Day George. And the movie takes place in the Philippines which is a hotbed for Satanic activity if the movies have taught me anything.

I have to warn you that this movie takes a little while to get going. We get some dancers in devil makeup during the opening credits and I half expect the pits of hell to open up, but no. We get a scene of a local wedding. The young bride goes frolicking into an abandoned property known as Casa Fortuna. And then a column falls on top of her. Not so fortunate for her, am I right?

Larry Andrews (John Saxon), an architect, and his wife Barbara (Lynda Day George) land in the Philippines to oversee the building of a new condominium complex. His good friend, Del (Michael Dante), has lined up an apartment for them to stay in except not really. He takes them to a swanky hotel and sticks them in the bridal sweet. Del says he’s fixing up their new place and that it’s the best on the island. By the way, Del is also Larry’s boss as he’s the new financier of the condominium complex.

Larry and Barbara meet Del and one of Del’s investors, the mysterious Dr. Albanos (Mario Milano) for dinner. There they receive the deed to their new house, Casa Fortuna. Larry and Barbara are ecstatic, but can’t figure out why the property is so affordable. Turns out the colonial mansion has a bad reputation for being haunted by the locals. A few centuries earlier, a man named Esteban married a woman named Alma Martin (Janis Lynde), but unbeknownst to him, she was a witch in league with the devil. Alma threatened to use her dark powers against Esteban if he didn’t quit cheating on her. Estaban then poisoned her wine one evening and beat her brains in, but since she made a pact with the devil, she returned to finish him off.

Of course, this all just some mumbo jumbo voodoo horseshift, right? Granted, a devil statue in the house almost kills Larry and Barbara starts acting like she’s been possessed by a Satanic witch. Bodies start piling up through a series of mysterious accidents and a local faith healer tells Larry that he and his wife are in grave danger. Will this nice couple survive the terrible evil that has invaded their lives?

Will you get to a half naked Lynda Day George? No!

Will you get to see a half naked John Saxon? Yes!

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, episode 549, episode 575, episode 596, episode 597, episode 598, episode 599, episode 642, episode 643, episode 644, and episode 645) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.