The Curator of Schlock #133 by Jeff Shuster

Nude for Satan

(This movie makes less sense than Lost Highway.)

So I watched Olympus Has Fallen last night. That’s the one where Gerard Butler saves the President of the United States from North Korean terrorists. I like that movie. Butler kills the terrorists, saves the United States from getting nuked, and everyone’s happy at the end. Simple. That’s how I like my movies. I don’t like those artsy, fartsy movies where everything’s left to my own interpretation. I don’t want to have to work!

Unfortunately, in my search for Satan movies for Satan Month here at The Museum of Schlock, I uncovered another relic on Amazon Prime titled Nude for Satan.

The movie came out in 1974 and was directed by Luigi Batzella. I think he maybe directed one of the Django movies. Wikipedia lists this film as erotic horror, which marks this as the first erotic horror film to featured on this blog. In fact, I must admit to my ignorance of the genre. The only other erotic horror movie I know of is Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, which I hope, doesn’t feature human-on-zombie sex. Even I have standards

Nude for Satan starts with doctor named William Benson (Stelio Candelli) trying to make a house call to castle somewhere off a dark road. I think maybe he crashes his car and another car crashes behind him. There’s a woman in the car named Susan Smith (Rita Calderoni)  who is knocked unconscious. She’s fully clothed, but she’ll be nude often later on in the movie. Dr. Benson decides goes looking for help. A strange caretaker who is unable to leave his post directs our accident-prone hero to a nearby castle.

Dr. Benson opens the door of the decrepit residence. Every time he opens a door, he sees a strange sight, such as a man with missing teeth laughing and another gentleman engaging in foreplay with a headless woman. Both were dressed in foppish outfits from the 1700s, obviously. Our good doctor runs into the woman he left in the car, only she’s in a green dress now. She calls him Peter and, predictably, starts making out with him.

Next, we see Susan Smith waking from her unconscious state and entering the castle. There’s a man wearing a cape and an ascot who claims to be the lord of the manor. He insists that she take a bath and while she’s washing up in the nude, another woman sneaks up from behind and starts kissing her. Susan leaves the bath with a towel wrapped around her. She runs into Dr. Benson who is now dressed in foppish clothes, and he refers to her as Evelyn.

The movie gets weirder from here. Susan ends up falling into a spider pit complete with a fake spider that descends from the ceiling.

The guy with the missing teeth is now whipping the woman who kissed Susan. I think there’s something involving a book of spells and alternate dimensions. You know what this movie doesn’t involve? Satan. He’s nowhere to be seen in this movie. They lied to me! Apparently, there’s a cut of this movie that’s XXX for any of you who are interested. I had the hardest time finding pictures for this review. You’d be surprised what pops in when you type Nude for Satan into a Google image search. I came across pictures of Lena Dunham and Ewoks. I’m not sure what the connection is there. I’m not an expert on everything.

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Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, and episode 131) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.