The Curator of Schlock #342 by Jeff Shuster
I don’t want to meet the slayer.
I was about to be a late night snack for a group of hungry vampires led by their leader, a southern gentleman named Wally. I might have soiled myself and sobbed uncontrollably after he bared his fangs, but that’s neither here nor there. I thought I was done for when through the parlor window bursts Edwidge, my pet kangaroo, decked out American flag boxing shorts and sporting cherry red boxing gloves. Edwidge was there to kick ass and eat Fruit Roll-Ups, and I was all out of Fruit Roll-Ups…
Tonight’s Arrow Films selection is 1982’s The Slayer from director J.S. Cardone. This one another one of those movies that got classified as a “video nasty” over there in Great Britain in the early 1980s. So did last week’s movie, Madhouse,for that matter. Any mom and pop rental store caught renting one of these sorted movies could end with criminal charges filed their way, sometimes even leading to jail time. Now we can enjoy these video nasties in pristine high definition picture. Can you enjoy The Paper Chase in pristine high definition? I don’t think so.
So The Slayer begins with an artist named Kay (Sarah Kendall) having a bizarre nightmare where some beast claws at her face. Nightmares have plagued Kay since she was a little girl. Kay’s husband, David (Alan McRae), her brother Eric (Frederick Flynn) , and his wife, Brooke (Carol Kottonbrook) are all planning a vacation. Where does this vacation take place? On an isolated and abandoned island off the coast of Georgia. And there’s a nasty storm headed that way. This is a bad idea.
The four of them are flown to the island by a creeper named Marsh (Michael Holmes) who warns them about the impending storm. Eric scoffs and says they’ll take their chances. Why not stay on the island? Plenty of surf, sun, and sand. Eric is excited about getting some early morning fishing in. The fridge is stocked with food, wine, and champagne. Good times. If only there wasn’t all that murder.
There’s someone or something on that island that wants to murder people. First up is David. While prowling about the house late at night during an intense rainstorm. David gets nearly decapitated by someone or something slamming a couple trap doors through his head. Yeah, this is a bizarre one to describe. Let’s just say he died from loss of blood through a huge gaping wound in his neck. Then the beast or psychopath dragged his body away.
Kay wakes up to find David sleeping next to her. She kisses him on the mouth only to soon realize that he’s nothing more than a severed head. She then wakes up again from what was clearly a nightmare, but David has gone missing and Eric and Brooke won’t take any of this seriously. After yelling “David” for about five hours, the three of them find David’s corpse, sans head, in an abandoned theater.
Brooke puts a bunch of sleeping medicine in Kay’s coffee knocking her out cold. So Kay sleeps through the murders of Brooke and Eric. Brooke gets stabbed through her back with a pitchfork. Eric’s death is a bit more complicated. He gets hooked by a fishing line coming from the ocean and is slowly dragged into the waves never to be seen again. That leaves Kay to fend off whatever is lurking on the island. They should have taken that trip to Dollywood instead.
Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, and episode 450) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.