The Perfect Life #13 by Dr. Perfect
Dear Dr. Perfect,
I don’t know how to deal with my sister-in-law, who is suffering from delusions. She insists that Joe Biden is the President and that COVID-19 is a legitimate disease and not simply a hoax. When I call her out on such dangerous beliefs, she enumerates evidence, as if evidence can be anything other than a smokescreen generated by the illuminati to distract the rubes. She refuses to let my nephew join me in militia training. I am so worried about his future. What can I do?
Armed and concerned
Dear Armed & concerned,
Your sister-in-law is in tuned to the alternative facts we’ve heard so much about. I admire her tenacity. Anyone can cite unsubstantiated reports on who’s president and for how long. Open up any newspaper and you’ll find the same lies smeared across the pages in fresh ink. And if you don’t like the outcome of something, just wish it away like a distant dream. We’re living in the age of relativity, my friend. If something isn’t to your liking, just say that it isn’t so.
Just the other day, I heard some crackpot on the Internet say that time travel was indeed possible through wormholes or something. Another claimed that dinosaurs never really existed. I dismissed them outright, walked away from my laptop, and then sat within my Zen garden, doubting my once grounded beliefs. All it takes is a little crack at the foundation to throw everything into question.
There’s no future in joining a militia, frankly. They’re not quite the résumé enhancer your nephew may be looking for. Are you really prepared to fight the federal government, or is this just a ploy to meet girls? I’m not certain if either would work due to the bad rep militias have gotten in the press over the years. I’m sure that your grizzly gang of rebels pack a punch, but you’re not going to get very far without the support of boorish late-night comics and pampered, prime-time pundits. You must reform and strategize. Decide if there are better, less antiquated ways to defend freedom.
You could support a bald eagle sanctuary or sweep the floors at the local VFW. And there’s no time like the present to take up model building, taxidermy, or a variety of activities less provocative than your average militia duties. I always recommend model building to my readers. It just tends to put me at ease. And once those paint fumes kick in after a few shots of Irish whisky, you’re in a deeply patriotic place.
I’m guessing that your sister got her COVID-19 vaccine and proudly posted about it on social media. I can see the pictures of her freckled arm and band-aid closeup followed by her vaccination record. Good for her. While she’s basking in “likes” for her heroic duty, you’re languishing in the shadows, unvaccinated and perplexed. Perhaps the pandemic is real to a certain extent, as real as the biased news media wants us to believe. They’re certainly no strangers to sensationalism.
Try a fun exercise. For the next week, pretend that everything you see on the news is real. Whisk yourself away to the paragon of propaganda that is your local newspaper from the local grocer and give it a read. Watch the evening news with a big smile on your face, taking in everything they say at face value. Forage through NPR articles online for the “right” way to think. You must be smiling for this experiment to work. You’ll also begin to understand the very lies you’re trying to suppress with the nuanced understanding of Alexis de Tocqueville, the famous French philosopher and historian.
Like you, he was trying to make sense of things, most notably, the madness of the French Revolution. He traveled to America in its infancy to write about the New World from a first-hand perspective. A hundred and some odd years, we’re on the cusp of about a dozen mini revolutions from all political factions, including your own lofty pursuits. You see, Armed & Dangerous, the times never really change, and neither do we. And I address you as such to call-back to one of my favorite John Candy films of the 1980s. Wait a minute, I was thinking of Uncle Buck!
Last I checked, Joe Biden was sworn in, and while he remains the oldest of the exceedingly decrepit Washington politicians, he is the president. I can understand your befuddlement when you were told there was a plan or that Trump would implement martial law or that the pope was under house arrest or whatever fantastical scenario you’ve heard. Most of these conspiracy types are just messing with you for their own amusement, much in the way the national news media enjoys tweaking you with comments about “the fairest election in modern history.” They know it drives you and your militia friends crazy. Be smart, take refuge in your bunker, and don’t emerge until all is right in the world. I’ll send for you once it’s safe.
We’re expected to put aside our differences for the greater good and get along with one another, respecting different viewpoints and ultimately moving things along. The problem is that we’re not robots, and even if we were robots, we’d still find something to argue about. I have a few robot designs in mind far more energy efficient than what’s currently on the horizon. My robots are powered by the complete and innate satisfaction of serving their human masters.
I might have left you in a higher state of confusion than before. The truth we’re all just pawns for the elite. Aliens have been studying us for decades. The Pentagon confirmed as much.
These aliens are going to wait a little while longer.
Just you see.