The Curator of Schlock #352 by Jeff Shuster
All I See is You
Worst movie of the 2010s.
So I decided to take a shortcut through Wyoming, but I’ve been stuck here for the last two weeks. It’s like I entered the Bermuda Triangle of the United States of America. I know I’ve stopped at the same gas station to at least ten times. I keep driving through miles and miles of amber waves of grain. I just want to get to Butte already.
I know I promised part 3 of The Black Society Trilogy, but I’ve been busy this week. I will make it up to you next month. There will be a whole lot of Takashi Miike going on next month. This week’s movie is 2016’s All I See Is You from director Marc Forster. It’s billed as a psychological drama. It may be the worst movie of the 2010s.
Blake Lively stars as Gina, a blind woman who depends on her husband, James (Jason Clarke) to take care of her. Gina was in a really bad car accident when she was a little girl that resulted in her losing both her vision and her parents. James and Gina live in a nice apartment in Thailand. James works in insurance. Gina gives guitar lessons to a little girl where they sing a song that goes something like this:
I like to double dutch
I like to swim
It makes me happy
It makes me grin
It makes me happy
And all I see is you
And when I’m happy
All I see is you
Anyway, there’s your title with that last line from this detestable ear-worm. You sang a bad song, Blake Lively. A bad song!
Things are looking better for Gina when she gets a cornea transplant in one of her eyes. The doctor says she needs to take some steroidal drops if the implant has any chance of restoring her sight permanently. Now that she can see for the first time since she was a little girl, she realizes that she’s a beautiful young woman and that her husband looks like a creeper. James asks her if he looks like she imagined him to and she says no. James prods her as to what she thought about when they made love in the past and she admits she thought about many different men.
In an attempt to put the old spark back into their marriage, they go to Barcelona where that had their honeymoon. James and Gina meet up with Gina’s sister and her obnoxious artist husband. They go for a night on the town, see a live sex show where the participants where pig masks. I guess this awakens Gina’s a lustful side that James can’t fulfill. They’ve also been trying to get pregnant because I’ve heard that can save a marriage. Too bad James learns from the doctor that he’s infertile.
I guess James figures that the marriage is doomed unless Gina becomes dependent on him again so he starts watering down her drops. Gina goes to the doctor to have the drops checked and he tells her they’ve been watered down. She gets new drops and starts taking them in secret while pretending to be blind around her husband. Oh, and Gina is finally pregnant because she had a brief affair with the local personal trainer.
James discovers a bunch of empty drop bottles at their new house realizing that Gina has indeed been taking them without his knowledge. He sees Gina and student at a local talent show where they play that stupid song while Gina looks directly at him. James ducks out of the concert, the shame and disgrace proving too much for him. He drives headfirst into an oncoming truck, killing himself. The last thing we see is Gina giving birth to a healthy baby.
The thing about bad movies is that there are always new ones to discover. All I See Is You somehow eluded me all this time. It makes The Boy Next Door look like Casablanca.
Don’t watch this, everybody. Heed the warning of the curator of schlock. This is very bad schlock.
Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, and episode 450) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.