The Perfect Life #25: Sister Dearest

The Perfect Life #25 by Dr. Perfect

Dearest Sister

Dear Dr. Perfect.

I am upon the horns of a dilemma.

I am, I think, a relatively sensitive man. Perhaps 3-4 times a week, I watch pornography, which relieves stress and stimulates my erotic imagination. Curious like any other person, I gave an incest scenario video a try since that category has grown so popular.

What I discovered is that the idea of breaking this taboo speaks directly to the erogenous components of my central nervous system. My consumption of porno didn’t increase, but often my searches and recommendations included sister porno.

This seemed innocent enough throughout the summer, until one day I masturbated to a sister porno that starred my actual, biological sister, who is earning a graduate degree at one of our state universities. Until then, I hadn’t an inkling that she performed in pornography. The long and short of it is that I climaxed harder than I ever have in my life.

Now her videos are the only ones I watch. She apparently specializes in this sub-genre of porn. Her rare non-incest porn leaves me cold.

For a Labor Day cookout, just being near her gave me dangerous erections.

How can I navigate a Thanksgiving visit to my parents’ house without tearing my family apart? And how do I convince my wife to stay at home?


Lost, so Lost.


Dear Pervert,

Let’s keep this between ourselves. I’m but a simple advice columnist and not a psychiatrist. I’m not sure if any expert could clean the cobwebs in your over-sexualized mind.

My readers are simple people with real problems. If you’ve read my previous work, you’ve found that I’ve advised on everything from dropping acid with your son on his ninth birthday to proper dinner etiquette among dominatrix slaves. We usually run a clean column here, but I’ll make an exception just once for a pervert like you.

Incest is a tricky. The horde of readers poised to damn your depraved voyage to Hell would instantly forgive you if this was a step-sibling scenario.

The porn industry figured that out a long time ago. Stepbrother and stepsister are engaged in carnal splendor when the stepmom enters the picture and proceeds to teach them a thing or two. It’s your standard trope. Everyone’s happy knowing that none of them are related.

Porn abounds with scandalous taboos. They’re all just acting, so what’s the big deal? Everything was fine until porn-dwelling bottom feeders like yourself had to make it truly, deeply sad and weird.

Fear not. There’s a solution requiring minimal effort. First, you could stop lusting after your sister. Secondly, consider asking your wife to call you “Daddy” or “Big Brother” during sex. If she asks questions, awkwardly change the subject to current events. My go-to segue usually beings with, “Did you hear about that volcano in the Caribbean?”

Thirdly, you could cease incest porn altogether in the hopes of becoming a well-rounded person. Or you could stimulate yourself in other ways. Gardening, for instance, is a clean and healthy hobby one could take advantage of in their time of need. It also doesn’t lead to immense shame, usually. Wear pants.

I’m equally stunned by the sheer coincidence of discovering your sister’s elicit occupation in the throes of incest lust. It’s not often acknowledged, but incest is generally bad for society. The Roman Empire reached this conclusion during their utter collapse. But instead of learning, we chose to romanticize this period of history with unwatchable movies starting Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton as star-crossed lovers. I think I’m going to puke.

We’re all animals. Hide your shame, suppress your urges, and remember your sister as the young, innocent sibling you grew up with, a sibling who now does porn.

I’d gladly do more research once you give me her screen name.

Better give me your wife’s contact info, just to be safe.

Include her photo.

Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.

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