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The Curator of Schlock #211 by Jeff Shuster

The Lazarus Effect

Olivia Wilde goes wild.

Live in the now! That’s this year’s motto here at The Museum of Schlock. The Disappointments Room made me realize that schlock isn’t something that exists in the past, but in the present! I think I will spend the rest of this year covering movies from this decade, the tens…or the teens…what the hell is the name of this decade anyway? Guess nobody attempted to name this one. That’s two for two so far. Not a good start for this century. Soon we’ll be in the 20s. Hopefully, it will be like the Roaring 20s. I’ll be able to quit this schlock curating business and go into bootlegging bathtub gin. A man needs dreams.

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This week’s movie is 2015’s The Lazarus Effect from director David Gelb. This movie has an all-star cast. You’ve got Mark Duplass, the star of all those mumblecore movies. You’ve got Donald Glover from Community, Evan Peters from American Horror Story, and Sarah Bolger from The Tudors. It also stars Olivia Wilde from TRON Legacy.

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Remember TRON Legacy?

Anyone?

Disney, do you remember TRON Legacy? Huh! Huh! Where’s TRON 3, Disney? You promised me, TRON 3, Disney! No one gives a crap about the Han Solo movie, Disney! Give us TRON 3, Disney! Make this happen! I want it, Disney! I want iiiiiiittttttt!!!

I blacked out there. What was I reviewing? Oh yeah. The Lazarus Effect is about a bunch of scientists working in an underground lab on some serum that can bring the dead back to life. Yay, science!

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Just kidding. This is a terrible idea! When does this ever go well? First they try it on a dead dog. The dog comes back to life and even his cataracts are cured. The dog seems okay at first. He doesn’t want to play catch. He doesn’t want to eat. He does like to bare his teeth and growl at the scientists. Bit of advice: don’t blow smoke from your electronic cigarette in a reanimated dog’s face even if he’s locked in a cage. He may break out.

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So a major corporation finds out that the scientists figured out the secret to bringing the dead back to life. They buy out the company that was funding their research, confiscate all of their research, and get the university to fire the lot of them. It seems the dean didn’t like how they were resurrecting dead dogs. The team still has some of the serum left so they decide to head back down to the underground lab in the middle of the night. Dr. McConnell (Olivia Wilde) gets electrocuted to death. Dr. Walton (Mark Duplass) brings her back to life with the serum.

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Dr. McConnell seems back to old her old self…except she keeps going on about how she was stuck hell and kept repeating the worst moment of her life over and over again. Oh, and it appears she has psychic powers and can now control 100% of her brain. She kills the rest of her team with her mind. And then she repeats the resurrection experiment on them.

I guess that’s kind of an ending.


Jeffrey Shuster 3

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47episode 102episode 124episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

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