The Curator of Schlock #322 by Jeff Shuster

Rec 4: Apocalypse

Do not watch movies about quarantine during quarantine!

It’s time. The Florida government has given the okay for museums to open up as long as they keep to fifty percent capacity. Or is it twenty-five percent capacity? I’m not going to worry about the little details. You were taking a health risk coming into The Museum of Schlock even before COVID-19. I’m out of beans, the cabin is getting flooded, and there’s a gator giving me the evil eye. It’s time to go home.

Tonight’s movie is 2014’s Rec 4: Apocalypse from Jaume Balagueró. Naturally, we begin right where Rec 2 left off. We get another group of commandos going inside the apartment complex to retrieve Ángela Vidal (Manuela Velasco) and also to set some charges because demonically possessed zombie maniacs got no reason to live. Ángela escapes with the two surviving commandos, Lucas (Críspulo Cabezas) and Guzmán (Paco Manzanedo). These are two burly Spanish men distinguishable by the fact that Lucas has a beard and Guzmán is clean shaven. Also, Guzmán was determined to rescue Ángela while Lucas just wanted to set the charges and run.

The three of them wake up on a ship in the middle of the ocean. It seems that the government decided to quarantine the three of them off shore while they ran some tests, checking for signs of the virus. Oh, and there’s a surviving member of the wedding from part 3, the mother of the groom who had too much to drink at the reception and woke up on the ship. She keeps asking about her family and no one has the heart to tell her that they’re all dead.  In addition to the doctors, we’ve got a ship’s captain, a chef, an engineer, and host of assorted commandos. Oh, and there’s no way off the ship and there’s no way to contact the outside world. Did I mention that the ship is heading toward a nasty storm? I’m feeling uneasy.

We also have a pervy IT guy named Nic (Ismael Fritschi) who’s trying to reassemble the footage taken by the news camera in the first Rec movie. He has to do it frame by frame so it may take awhile. That’s okay. The quarantine people and the crew will soon be busy with another demonically possessed zombie maniac outbreak. The doctors decided to infect a monkey with the virus and wouldn’t you know, the critter gets loose and attacks the ship’s cook who in turn infects the dinner he serves to the crew. Maybe infecting a monkey with a demonically possessed virus wasn’t such a good idea, but what do I know? I ain’t no scientist.

Around this time, pervy Nic reassembles the footage and the doctors get to see the demonic parasite crawling down Ángela’s throat. They determine that she’s the host and that the demonic parasite has to be surgically removed. Ángela insists that it isn’t inside her anymore and that it found a stronger host. You get a few more twists and turns, a return of the rabid monkey, and a self-destruct sequence. Boy, am I glad that’s over with. It wasn’t such a good idea to watch four movies about quarantine while the world is quarantined. It messes with your head a little.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, and episode 284) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.