• About
  • Cats Dig Hemingway
  • Guest Bookings
  • John King’s Publications
  • Literary Memes
  • Podcast Episode Guide
  • Store!
  • The Rogue’s Guide to Shakespeare on Film
  • Videos
  • Writing Craft Discussions

The Drunken Odyssey

~ A Podcast About the Writing Life

The Drunken Odyssey

Author Archives: thedrunkenodyssey

Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart #184: A Chip in the Ice

20 Wednesday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Comic Books, Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Batman, Chip Zdarsky, Clayton Cowles, Jorge Jimenez, Tomeu Morey

Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart #184 by Drew Barth

A Chip in the Ice

I don’t remember the last time I picked up a Batman comic. I’ve grabbed Batman comics in the past—typically some one-offs, a few issues of Batman: Black and White, Batman & Robin, Batman Inc., etc. But never the mainline Batman series. The New52 and Rebirth relaunches didn’t intrigue me. The jumping-on points seemed to come and go. New creative teams came and went. And yet I somehow ended up with Batman #125 by Chip Zdarsky, Jorge Jimenez, Tomeu Morey, and Clayton Cowles the other week.

A not insignificant portion of Batman ending up in my pull-list is due to the chipper himself, Chip Zdarsky. I’d been familiar with his work from Sex Criminals and Howard the Duck, in the pre-troubles era, but as much of his work recently came from Marvel, I had kept my distance. I’d seen the accolades for Daredevil, but I somehow stayed away. And then this new jumping-on point for Batman was announced with Zdarsky as the writer and Cowles on letters and my interest was piqued. But it was seeing those previews for this new arc and them going hard on the Danny DeVito-era Penguin look that ultimately convinced me to take a glance.

In this new arc, we have Penguin proxy-murdering the wealthy elite of Gotham for shunning him and framing Batman for his murder as a final act before an unnamed illness finally does him in. For a crime and detective story, that’s a good hook. But where this excels is how it uses the medium to its fullest extent. From its first page being a foreshadowing for the final page to the cliffhang nature of the page turns to the staccato panels of Bruce Wayne walking around a party while Robin deals with a deadly gas just below, there’s so much on the pages to keep someone completely engrossed. It’s a longer first issue, but it’s the kind where your eyes almost wash across the page and absorb just enough of it at a time to be surprised at what happens later. It’s the kind of thing a team like Zdarsky, Jimenez, Morey, and Cowles can do that feels like an invisible line guiding you along without ever coming across as pushy. In comics, it’s a delicate act, but every aspect of this issue of Batman accomplishes it flawlessly.

I think I need to keep adding Batman to my pull-list. I don’t know how I’ve avoided it for so long, but DC finally got me to do it. While there’s no concrete formula for success in a jumping-on comic, this is as close to what that success can look like. I’m drawn in a way that I just haven’t been for Batman for the entire time I’ve read comics, and yet I’m gushing about it now. 

Get excited. Get vengeance. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Drew Barth at Miami Book Fair in 2019.

Drew Barth (Episode 331, 485, & 510) resides in Winter Park, FL. He received his MFA from the University of Central Florida.

Episode 532: Miranda Seymour!

16 Saturday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Craft of Fiction Writing, Episode

≈ Leave a comment

Episode 532 of The Drunken Odyssey, your favorite podcast about creative writing and literature, is available on Apple podcasts, stitcher, spotify, or click here to stream (right click to download, if that’s your thing).

This week, I speak with literary biographer Miranda Seymour about the extraordinary career of Jean Rhys.

TEXT DISCUSSED

NOTES

Scribophile, the online writing group for serious writers

TDO listeners can get 20% of a premium subscription to Scribophile. After using the above link to register for a basic account, go here while still logged in to upgrade the account with the discount.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Episode 532 of The Drunken Odyssey, your favorite podcast about creative writing and literature, is available on Apple podcasts, stitcher, spotify, or click here to stream (right click to download, if that’s your thing).

Shakespearing #49: A Review of Palm Beach Shakespeare Festival’s Richard II

15 Friday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Blog Post, Shakespearing

≈ Leave a comment

Shakespearing #49 by Chelsea Alice

Shakespeare’s Richard II—adapted by Trent Stephens for Palm Beach Shakespeare Festival—features startling symbolism, unique special effects, and a fine cast.

The location, the Seabreeze Amphitheater at Carlin Park in Jupiter, was cozy and inviting, the sea breeze sweeping in from the beach.  The K & J Seafood truck, where the Williams family serves arguably the best seafood in the area, was steps away.  The experience offered some of the best of everything, but the actual seats. One must bring one’s own seating or picnic blankets.

Before the play commenced, Elizabeth Dashiell, the producer, shared a bit about the history, significance, and mission of the Palm Beach Shakespeare Festival.  Often such introductions are dull, but Dashiell’s passion and dedication captivated the audience’s curiosity and excitement.

The first impression rested with the set, which featured a monumental throne.  It sat centrally, in perpetuity as a motif and portent of absolute power. Empty frames hung above like nooses. Richard II’s rule over England is not going to be a placid one.

More symbols abound. Stephens juxtaposes medieval dress against modern wardrobe in a demonstration of the politics and separation between King Richard and Henry Bolingbroke. Richard’s traditional sense of the divine right of kings clashes on a fashion level with the more modern politics of Bolingbroke loyalists.

The special effects accentuated pivotal choices and actions in the play.  This included the use of monochromatic lighting, slow motion scenes, and limited sound effects and music.

The acting was, simply, excellent.  The casting choices throughout the play felt natural and right.

Seth Trucks plays an initially egoistic King Richard who’s ken ultimately grows as his wretched existence garners pity.  By the time he dies, he is transformed.  Trucks made this transformation feel true not only through his speech but manner as well.  If we missed the stages of metamorphosis in between, he would have been unrecognizable, a difficult succession to relay from the stage.

Courtney Poston passionately portrays Henry Bolingbroke (eventually King Henry IV) immersing the audience in Bolingbroke’s perspective within the clash between King Richard and himself.

Maddie Fernandez, who also plays Hotspur and a Servant, embodies Mowbray with a powerful stage presence and her delivery of the lines.  She delivers one significant line in particular so powerfully to proud Richard: “My life thou shalt command, but not my shame.” 

Darryl Willis masterfully portrays John of Gaunt’s deteriorating health.

The high quality of this production allowed for the complete focus to fall onto the story itself.  Shakespeare leaves us questioning everything, from absolute power to whether or not we live long enough to see any fruits of our late- acquired wisdom.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Chelsea Alice is a human being.

The Curator of Schlock #389: The Commuter

15 Friday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #389 by Jeff Shuster

The Commuter

Liam Neeson on a train. 

For those of you not in the know, the city of Orlando is home to what some would call a dangerous vigilante, a name whispered in fear by the criminal underground. His name is the Revenging Manta, a ninja clad in purple. He’s on the prowl for murderers and thieves, always at the ready to give them a taste of his steel. I thought the story was an urban legend until the Revenging Manta saved me from some goons in a dark alley. He wiped his bloody ninjato on the corpse of the hooligan that was about to beat me to death. The Revenging Manta then turned to me and said, “We need to talk. There’s a Waffle Housea couple blocks from here.”

“I can eat,” I said. — To be continued.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Tonight’s movie is 2018’s The Commuter from director Jaume Collet-Serra. Liam Neeson plays Michael MacCauley, an insurance salesman that rides the same commuter train into New York City, day in and day out. He has a house, a lovely wife, and a son ready to graduate high school and head off to a very expensive university. I think he and his wife liquidated their savings and started a second mortgage during the last recession. I think Michael had to sell his gold fillings too. The point is the family is struggling for money and then Michael’s boss gives him the pink slip and a meager severance.

commuter1

Michael meets up with his friend, Detective Lt. Alex Murphy (Patrick Wilson) of the NYPD, at a bar after work. Michael confesses that he hasn’t told Linda that he lost his insurance job, a job he took after leaving the NYPD. Michael also gets his wallet pickpocketed right before boarding the train home, a delightful cherry on top of a perfect sundae of the day. Ah, but the day isn’t over yet.

commuter2

 A beguiling woman named Joanne (Vera Farmiga) sits across from him and comments on how Michael must be familiar with everyone riding on this train. She tells Michael that there is $25,000 in the train bathroom and another $75,000 if he can identify the person on the train that doesn’t belong. She leaves the train and Michael investigates the bathroom and finds a handbag filled with money. He tries leaving the train at the next stop, but a random teenager gives him an envelope containing his wife’s wedding ring as warning.

commuter3

Michael turns frantic and calls his friend Alex to check on his wife and son. Joanne calls him on his cell phone and lays out what Michael has to do or else bad things are going to happen. He has to place a miniature GPS tracker on the passenger on the train that doesn’t belong or his wife dies. This passenger is an important witness in an FBI investigation into a police conspiracy. He has to deduce which passenger is the witness all while trying to avoid an assassin on the train watching his every move. Oh, and the plan is for the conspiracy to set poor Michael up for the murder. Will Michael save the passengers and clear his name? Will he throw a bad guy out the window of the moving train straight into another moving train? You’ll have to watch. The Commuter has another ensemble cast of notable stars: Jonathan Banks, Elizabeth McGovern, Sam Neill, Florence Pugh, and Letitia Wright to name a few. I’m sure you like one of those actors.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, and episode 496) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart #183: I Would Like to be Blueberry

13 Wednesday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Comic Books, Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart

≈ Leave a comment

Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart #183 by Drew Barth

I Would Like to be Blueberry

At this juncture I think it’s safe to say that Sailor Moon is one of the most influential comics of the past fifty years. From its look to its usage and establishment of shojo tropes to the global fan reaction to its fashion, we can see Sailor Moon in almost every walk of life. Nowhere is this more apparent than in comics like Flavor Girls and creators Loïc Locatelli-Kournwsky and Eros de Santiago’s usage of the transforming all-girl hero team to save the world from devastation.

Not far above the earth there hangs a giant face. No one knows where it came from or what it wants, but after attempting to make first contact it does spit out the occasional small invasion force to ransack areas of the planet at random. The military is, as per usual in these scenarios, useless to stop the slowly encroaching forces. But Naoko, Camille, and V—Dragonfruit, Pomegranate, and Artichoke, respectively—can as the mythic Flavor Girls. Their exploits are known across the globe as they seem to be the only ones capable of defeating these lingering foes. But an attack in Paris reveals the existence of a fourth: Sara, the Pineapple. She’s new at this thing—she can’t even beat a single one of the invaders on her own. But that just means we’re going to get Sara’s training arc soon enough. Most intriguing, though, is the figure Sara happened to see before being called to her Pineapple destiny.

Flavor Girls is another in a line of Western comics, like Zodiac Starforce, to come and wear its Sailor Moon influences on its sleeve. And many of its success lie in how Locatelli-Kournwsky and de Santiago render the story on the page. Flavor Girls has this simple dynamic that flows seamlessly from actions and explosion to characters simply walking with one another and talking. While this first issue of the series is oversized, there is an incredible balance in how much we’re given of the world, its characters, and the action that ties them all together. This is no more apparent than when Sara completes her first Flavor Girl transformation and we’re treated to her amazement of becoming a hero, the panic of her new responsibilities, and the dreadful realization that she is unable to fight the aliens that had been chasing her. What should cause a tonal whiplash is handled deftly as every element of the moment balances out.

As a series that dives into the all-girl transforming hero team trope, Flavor Girls works incredibly well with just one issue. Although this first issue is nearly fifty pages, there’s enough to keep the story engaging without feeling as though it’s taking too long to set itself up. This is the kind of series that thrives on hooking you into its first issue and it succeeds in making me want to have the next issue long before it releases.

Get excited. Get transformative.


Drew Barth at Miami Book Fair in 2019.

Drew Barth (Episode 331, 485, & 510) resides in Winter Park, FL. He received his MFA from the University of Central Florida. Right now, he’s worrying about his cat.

The Perfect Life #45

11 Monday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Perfect Life

≈ Leave a comment

The Perfect Life #45 by Dr. Perfect

Dear Dr. Perfect,

I’m into golden showers, always have been. My new partner was initially nervous, but now he loves giving me a good spray down. However, his urine doesn’t taste as good as my previous partner’s, and I find my appetite waning. How can we reconcile this difference in desire?

Yours truly,

Panicked4Pee

————–

Dear Mister or Misses “Pee,”

Of all the golden showers quandaries I’ve received, yours might be the most urgent in some time. Your decision to forego the editors of Hustler Magazine and seek out a real advice columnist is commendable. Did I also mention your bravery? Some might misconstrue such compliments as patronizing.

Your concerns are my concerns, and if the taste of someone else’s urine isn’t cutting it anymore, then we have a crisis worth addressing here. I even told my secretary to hold all my calls to give your situation the attention it deserves.

Truth be told, she’s out for the week due to a urinary tract infection. It just popped up in my mind since we’re on the subject. I’m certain she’d be mortified if she knew I was putting her business out there. Just forget I said anything. Sorry, Tracey!

What I meant to say was that I’ve placed my cell phone on silent, turned off my antique phonograph, put away my Tchaikovsky records, and dimmed the lights to better resolve your issue. At the very least, I offer the advice you’ve come to expect from the sympathetic ear of a reputable advice columnist, where no bodily fluid discussion is beyond reproach.

It reminds me of the time I changed restaurants. My weekly ritual usually ends with a fine porterhouse steak at my favorite joint, Fantastic Freddy’s Premium Grill. A few months ago, a friend of mine opened his own restaurant, a classy, upscale steakhouse with velvet drapes hanging everywhere and EDM music playing. It’s not the type of environment I regularly frequent, but he’s a friend. He also repaired my motorized oscillating hammock and helped me get out of a ridiculous timeshare I was ensnared in.

Anyway, his slogan was, “Best steaks in town,” a bold claim to be sure. Spoiler alert: they weren’t, and now he expects me to come in all the time. I practically have to sneak my way into Freddy’s just to get a taste of what once was. I get anxious even thinking about it.

That’s about the closest parallel I can draw between our issues. I did, however, date a woman who insisted that I defecate on her, but that’s a story for another letter. She was a troubled woman but a very good at coding.

Honesty sometimes works. You don’t want to start an unnecessary argument or hurt your partner’s feelings, but there’s also the question of how long you can carry on the charade. Monitor your partner’s diet and see if they can improve the quality of said urine.

Are they regularly hydrating? Are they a heavy drinker? When was their last physical? You could learn a lot by their functionality of their kidneys and bladder alone. One thing is for sure, remedy the issue or be forced to bath in substandard pee for the rest of your days… or at least until you find someone else.

Drop subtle hints wherever they might occur. For instance, mention the scene in that James Franco movie where he’s pinned under a boulder and drinks his own urine. I think it was called 127 Days. Or maybe it was hours. Was it 48 Hours? No, that one starred Eddie Murphy.

Hilarious film.

Mention the urine drinking and remark about how desperate one would have to be to find themselves in that situation. Then follow it with, “Of course, nothing satisfies me more than a good spray down. I just wish I liked the taste a little better.” Game, set, match. You’ve opened the matter for discussion.

Responsibility will fall onto your partner to find ways to improve the taste of his urine without feeling inadequate or spurned. The best part is that you don’t have to dump them! If the problem persists, consider a bondage fetish to change things up. That always works for me.

I should also note that urine sodium levels potentially dictate the taste, so there’s room for improvement. A healthy bladder makes a happy person. That’s what I always say…sometimes. Best of luck with your next pee party.


Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.

Episode 531: Loose Lips July 2022!

09 Saturday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Episode, Loose Lips Reading Series

≈ 1 Comment

Episode 531 of The Drunken Odyssey, your favorite podcast about creative writing and literature, is available on Apple podcasts, stitcher, spotify, or click here to stream (right click to download, if that’s your thing).

This week, I am happy to present a bootleg edition of the Loose Lips reading series, hosted by Dianne Turgeon Richardson and Tod Caviness, with readings by Rachel Kolman, Samantha Nickerson, moi, Holly Tavel, and Brian Crimmins.

NOTES

ScribophileTDO listeners can get 20% of a premium subscription to Scribophile. After using the above link to register for a basic account, go here while still logged in to upgrade the account with the discount.


Episode 531 of The Drunken Odyssey, your favorite podcast about creative writing and literature, is available on Apple podcasts, stitcher, spotify, or click here to stream (right click to download, if that’s your thing).

The Curator of Schlock #388: Non-Stop

08 Friday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

The Curator of Schlock #388 by Jeff Shuster

Non-Stop

Liam Neeson on a plane.

Where did I leave off? Oh, yes. Three goons were about to beat me to death in a darkened alley when a figure clad in purple ninja armor appeared from the shadows. The lanky goon emptied a clip in the ninja’s direction, but his ninjatō deflected every bullet. Sword in hand, the ninja drove the blade into the lanky goon before the criminal could squeeze another shot off. The other goons scrambled away and the ninja turned his eyes toward me. — To be continued.


This week’s movie is 2014’s Non-Stop from director Jaume Collet-Serra. This is an action-thriller movie starring Liam Neeson, a genre he’s been prolific in since 2008’s Taken. There’s a pretty good ensemble class here with Julianne Moore, Michelle Dockery, Anson Mount, Lupita Nyong’o, and Shea Whigham to name a few. And the movie is under two hours so it won’t waste too much of your time.

Non-Stop begins with Bill Marks (Liam Neeson) sitting in his car at the airport making himself an Irish coffee. This is to insinuate that he has a drinking problem. He’s also gazing fondly at a photo of a young girl which we later learn is his daughter. Bill boards a plane set for London and ends up seated next to the lovely Jen Summers (Julianne Moore). Bill gets nervous as the plane takes off so Jen holds his hand until they are in the air. Bill tells Jen about the  lucky blue ribbon his daughter gave him. Blah. Blah. Blah.

It’s about this time in the movie that I become suspicious that Bill is hiding something and he is! Bill is the air marshal for the flight. He has a special air marshal blackberry and Bill gets a whopper of a text. The text reads that a passenger will die every twenty minutes unless the killer receives $150 million dollars in a special bank account. Time for panic!

Bill consults the other air marshal on the flight, Jack Hammond (Anson Mount), about the threat, but Jack figures it’s someone playing a prank. He enlists Jen and a flight attendant named Nancy (Michelle Dockery) to watch the security monitor and circle the head of every passenger that may be texting him when Bill texts the killer again. I wonder if an alternate title for this movie was The Texter. Would you go see a movie titled The Texter? No, of course not. You want to watch a movie called Non-Stop because of the promise of non-stop thrills.

Bill gets into a fight with Jack in the airplane bathroom. Turns out Jack is working with the killer for bags of money because being an air marshal is a thankless job or something to that effect. He offers to cut him in, but Bill refuses. A tussle in the bathroom results in Jack’s neck getting broken. Bill didn’t want to kill Jack, but he had a gun pointed at him.

The authorities on the ground relieve Bill of his air marshal authority when they discover the bank account the money is to be transferred into is in Bill’s name! He’s being set up! Time is running out as the texter promises to kill a passenger every twenty minutes until he gets the money. I sure hope the next victim isn’t the pilot. The stakes keep escalating as the movie runs along. There’s a suitcase full of cocaine that is also concealing a bomb, but I better shut up now before I spoil the twists at the end. I was yelling at the screen when I found out who the killer was.  Unfortunately, there is no scene of Liam Neeson angrily punching the killer into the plane’s engine. Oh, well.


Photo by Leslie Salas

Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, and episode 496) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.

Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart #182: Walk in Silence

06 Wednesday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in Comic Books, Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart

≈ Leave a comment

Comics Are Trying to Break Your Heart #182 by Drew Barth

Walk in Silence

There are a few inevitabilities in comics: massive cross-over events, another Batman spin-off, and Si Spurrier writing one of the best mini-series of the year. While I had touched on the first issue earlier this year, the conclusion to Step by Bloody Step only cements that above inevitability on Spurrier’s writing, but also showcases the quality of Matías Bergara and Matheus Lopes’ art throughout the largely silent epic. It’s also easily one of the best series to come out this decade and the only one this year to draw a few tears out of me.

The story of Step by Bloody Step is relatively straight-forward: a small, unnamed and unspeaking girl is being carried and protected by a giant through a world unlike our own to some unknown destination. We don’t know where they are leading, but they must go there. From there, we’re treated to an expansive world filled with some of the most exquisite landscapes ever committed to the medium, beasts that loom larger than the giant itself, and people. The people themselves look relatively human, as do the goblins they’re fighting. But these are people we see from the perspective of the small girl—someone who does not know this world or its language. And yet, despite knowing nothing of this world or its inhabitants, the small girl and her accompanying giant end up shaping this world by happenstance and through just a hint of time travel.

But maybe it isn’t all happenstance. What we see in the final issue, as the girl and the giant reach their destination, is that this isn’t the first time this has taken place. The girl becomes the giant and a new child is cradled in her palm to protect and lead somewhere. While there are individuals seeking them as they walk this planet, we don’t know to what end they’re doing so. How many times has this cycle played out? How long had it been since the last one? Is it inevitable for them to complete their journey and to have altered the world in some way? We don’t know the answers to these questions and we don’t need to. This is their journey that we’re simply witness to—this is the only cycle we get to see play out to its conclusion. And yet it feels complete. The steps taken in their journey are uniquely their own as they have left the world in a different state from when they took their first steps.

Spurrier, Bergara, and Lopes have crafted the kind of journey and world that is singular in its ambition. There aren’t many other comics that take the time and space to let a duo simply walk through a new world in this way. The quiet allows our eyes to marvel and take the world in—even the loudest encounters are rendered in such loving detail that we inevitably get lost in them. But then that feeling is what makes Step by Bloody Step such a marvel.

Get excited. Get stepping.


Drew Barth at Miami Book Fair in 2019.

Drew Barth (Episode 331, 485, & 510) resides in Winter Park, FL. He received his MFA from the University of Central Florida. Right now, he’s worrying about his cat.

The Perfect Life #44

04 Monday Jul 2022

Posted by thedrunkenodyssey in The Perfect Life

≈ Leave a comment

The Perfect Life #44 by Dr. Perfect

Dear Dr. Perfect,

Every time I turn out the lights, I have a deep fear of decapitation. I always cover my neck with my hands just in case.

Lately, my wife is angry because I make her and the children do it as well. It is just a safety precaution, but she says if I don’t cut it out, she will divorce me. How can I show her that this is for their safety?

Sincerely,

Scared of the Dark

————————–

 Your concerns aren’t unwarranted, Scared of the Dark. There’s a reason I avoid rollercoasters, axe-throwing bars, and guillotine conventions.

I heard in the news recently about this poor woman who was decapitated by her psychotic ex-boyfriend. Really sick stuff. You’d think we were in the middle of the French Revolution. As we arguably became a more humane society, beheadings, as a form of capital punishment went the way of platform shoes. But leave it to degenerate murderers, drug cartels, and some countries to keep the gruesome practice alive.

Noted Renaissance author/philosopher Sir Thomas More said it best before he was executed for treason under Henry VIII’s rule: “I only regret that I have but one head to lose for my country.” I believe that was the quote.

After doing some research, I discovered a condition commonly referred to as Decap-a-phobia, the irrational fear of losing one’s head. In your case, such concerns extend to your wife and children. Subjects have reported frightening premonitions of a helicopter crashing through their bedroom, instantly decapitating them with its blades. Others struggle with the anxiety of their head simply detaching on its own as they sleep.

On the opposite spectrum, some people possess a rare phobia known as double-header syndrome, where they fear waking up with an additional head affixed to their body. That one actually happened to my sister.

There’s also little head syndrome, the fear of a shrunken head voodoo curse. I could go on.

We all have our own unique fears. It’s only human. One of mine involves being torn limb from limb by a mountain lion. I had to cancel an appearance in Colorado Springs because of this. I woke up in cold sweats, just like the night before my annual black-tie gala, where I feared running out of caviar.

The same dream (or nightmare) kept reoccurring in my mind. I was in the middle of delivering an eloquent toast when the head caterer informed me that we were completely out.

“Dip into the cheese and crackers strategic reserve,” I told him.

“There’s nothing left,” he pressed with a tone of finality. “We’re out… of everything.”

I usually wake up screaming by then and must read myself back to sleep. For some strange reason, my boxers are always off.

Your family is naturally skeptical of your nightly routine and insistence that they follow suit. They won’t be convinced of such measures until an axe murderer storms into their bedrooms one fatal night, looking to add some heads to his collection.

Your family might see you as a madman, monster, or tyrant even. It’s best to allow them to place their hands wherever they please. If you convinced them to wear neck braces, for instance, that would at least pave the way toward future indoctrination. These things take time. If you’re dedicated enough to stoking paranoia within your family, you’ll have to think creatively.

I’ve realized that my own fears, from an inexplicable lack of caviar to a mountain lion thrashing, are based in concern for my reputation. Certain expectations follow a name like Dr. Perfect.

The pressure of living up to those ideals can be relentless.


Dr. Perfect has slung advice across the globe for the last two decades due to his dedication to the uplift of the human condition.

← Older posts
Newer posts →

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • The Drunken Odyssey
    • Join 4,217 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • The Drunken Odyssey
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...