The Curator of Schlock #389 by Jeff Shuster

Slumber Party Massacre

Was Herschel Gordon Lewis involved in this?

I was under orders from the Canadian government to infiltrate an illegal marsupial slaughtering operation. I encountered an obstacle in the form of a chain link fence with a locked gate. I took out my blowtorch and set the white hot flame to the padlock in hopes of melting it away, but it was taking forever.

I was so transfixed waiting for the lock to turn into molten goo that I didn’t notice the security guard standing on the other side of the fence. — To be continued.

This week’s movie is 1982’s Slumber Party Massacre from director Amy Holden Jones. It’s a slasher movie I’ve somehow missed all of these years. Maybe I confused it with The House on Sorority Row. That was the movie where one of the co-eds found a severed head in the toilet. Good times!

Slumber Party Massacre begins with a late breaking report about an escaped maniac named Russ Thorn (Michael Villella) who uses a power drill to slay his victims. One wonders how these mass murderers always manage to escape and how quiet suburban communities never seem to take these maniac situations very seriously. For instance, Russ manages to stop by the local high school and murder a teacher and a student with no one ever noticing he’s there.

Slumber Party Massacre indeed has a slumber party. Trish Deveraux (Michelle Michaels), a high school senior, invites a bunch of her friends over for a night of food, frolicking, weed, and booze. Yup. They’re going to get high and liquored up because that’s what you do when your parents are out of town. Trish also invites the new girl, Valerie (Robin Stille), to the party, but she declines as Trish’s friends hate Valerie because she’s too pretty.

Trish’s parents left a neighbor in charge of keeping an eye on Trish and her friends, but he’s too busy trying to kill night snails. Russ drills him to death, as Russ is want to do. Meanwhile, Valerie babysits her bratty younger sister, Courtney. They’re reading magazines, which is what people did before the Internet. Courtney even sneaks a copy of her sister’s Playgirl magazine. I’m sure she reads it for the articles.

There are a couple of horn-dogs named Jeff and Neil who stop by the slumber party to ogle the girls. Trish lets them inside in a ploy to get them to pay for the pizza. The pizza guy shows up, Jeff and Neil gather up the cash, open the door, and the pizza guy falls over due to his eyes being drilled out through the back of his head. Panic ensues as this slumber party realizes a psychopath is on the prowl.

The girls get Jeff and Neil to leave and get help. Why didn’t they call for help? Because Russ cut the phone lines. It doesn’t take Jeff and Neil long to get butchered despite them heading in different directions. And then Russ goes to town on the young women. Don’t worry. There will be a final girl that hacks Russ up. I liked last week’s movie better. It had inbred hillbillies as the murderers. You can’t just give some random guy a power drill and expect him to be the next Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees. Fail.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeff Shuster (episode 47episode 102episode 124episode 131episode 284episode 441episode 442episode 443, episode 444episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, and episode 496) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.