The Curator of Schlock #406 by Jeff Shuster
I did a stupid thing. I overheard the Revenging Manta, the ninja vigilante of downtown Orlando, playing the Moonlight Sonata on his Casio Keyboard. I decided to sneak up behind him while he was distracted, thinking I might take that mask off and get a peak at his face. Before my fingers reached his mask, he grabbed my wrist, jerked my arm hard. I heard a pop and realized he had just dislocated my shoulder. And then I passed out. — To be continued.
You know, I think it’s high time I looked to 2023 and the many wonderful movies the year has in store for us. And what better way to do it than by checking out some movie posters for upcoming releases and surmising their plots from them. Let’s dig in.
Noémie Merlant and Kit Harrington star in this psychological horror movie about a couple struggling to conceive their first child. The husband decides to buy an infant on the black market from a southern gentleman in a seersucker suit. The baby seller hands the child over on the condition her new parents name her Ruby. The wife is set on calling her Margaret and descends into madness over the fact they have to name the child Ruby. After a bloody finale, Ruby gets adopted by the Queen of Denmark.
A quirky comedy set in a small town in New Mexico. A weird face appears in the sky and the locals find themselves ill equipped to handle the dozens of tourists visiting their little borough each day. A fight breaks out between two rival families over the merchandising rights to the face in the sky. Meanwhile, a crackpot inventor creates a rocket pack so he can fly up to ask the face in the sky what the meaning of life is.
Beau is Afraid
Joaquin Phoenix stars as Beau. As a boy, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As a young man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As a middle-aged man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. As an old man, Beau is too afraid to leave his room and hangs out all day in his pajamas. Then he dies.
William Dafoe plays a recluse who lives in a green house on the 51st floor of a high rise in Mumbai. He experiments with plants to create a rare variant of cucumber that grows in any environment. A pickle consortium sends an assassin to take him out. Jason Statham also stars.
A Good Person
Morgan Freeman plays a good person. Florence Pugh plays a bad person. All Morgan Freeman’s character wants to do is build a miniature replica of the Empire State Building using used matchsticks. He then plans to enter his creation into a matchstick miniature contest. If he wins the $50,000 prize, he’ll donate the money to the local orphanage because he’s a good person. While carrying his creation to the contest, Florence Pugh, knocks him over with her bike. He crushes his creation with his weight. She laughs as she rides away because she’s a bad person.
Jeff Shuster (episode 47, episode 102, episode 124, episode 131, episode 284, episode 441, episode 442, episode 443, episode 444, episode 450, episode 477, episode 491, episode 492, episode 493, episode 495, episode 496, episode 545, episode 546, episode 547, episode 548, and episode 549) is an MFA graduate from the University of Central Florida.