Tag Archives: The Curator of Schlock

The Curator of Schlock #60: Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Twice-Told Tales

10 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Film, Horror, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

The Curator of Schlock #60 by Jeff Shuster

Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Twice-Told Tales

(Like twice-baked potatoes, except totally different)

TTT poster 2

I have a passing familiarity with Nathaniel Hawthorne, and by passing familiarity, I’m referring to time I read the first couple of chapters of The House of the Seven Gables in my 8th grade English class. I remember there was a big to do about a character from the novel that would dip his biscuits in salt water. I seem to recall the biscuit dipping taking up the majority of our discussion of The House of the Seven Gables. I never did finish that book, but that’s okay since it’s one of the three stories in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Twice-Told Tales from director Sidney Salkow. Now there have been some unspeakable Hollywood adaptations of Hawthorne’s work before (The Scarlet Letter with Demi Moore comes to mind), but I have faith that Sidney Salkow and a little-known actor named Vincent Price will make this worth our time.

The first twice-told tale is called “Dr. Heidegger’s Experiment,” but don’t get your hopes up. It’s not about some mad scientist creating unnatural things in a lab.

TTT4

The twice-told tale begins with narration by Vincent Price where he talks about death and dying and mother nature, or something to that effect. I hate it when narrators share pearls of wisdom with the audience. I just want them to get to the story already. My time is valuable.

Anyway, the story is about a couple of old bachelors named Dr. Heidegger (Sebastian Cabot) and Alex (Vincent Price). It’s Dr. Heidegger’s birthday and the two of them are partying down. Alex compliments Dr. Heidegger on his “excellent Port,” but then criticizes Dr. Heidegger for never taking a wife and wasting his life. It is revealed through some expository dialogue that he had a fiancé named Sylvia that dropped dead on his wedding day, and that she now resides in the family crypt.

A lighting bolt blows off the door to mausoleum. Dr. Heidegger and Alex go to inspect the damage. They’re astonished to find the corpse of Sylvia in perfect condition. Apparently, there’s a leak of “fountain of youth” water that can reverse aging and even bring the dead back to life.

TTT5

They drink the water and become young again, Dr. Heidegger brings Sylvia back from the dead, and then everything goes horribly wrong as expected.

TTT2

The next twice-told tale is called “Rappaccini’s Daughter,” and it’s about a poisonous plant lady named Beatrice (Joyce Taylor). Giacomo Rappaccini (Vincent Price) is her father who tends to a deadly purple plant. They have a neighbor named Giovanni (Brett Halsey) who makes googly eyes at Beatrice from a balcony overlooking the Rappaccini garden. I guess there’s a bit of that star-crossed lovers thing going on here. Beatrice is forbidden contact with anyone from the outside world, but that doesn’t stop Giovanni from paying her a surprise visit in person. It is then he learns that her touch poisonous like that of the purple plant. Will Beatrice and Giovanni figure out a way to be with each other? Will Vincent Price fall into a poisonous plant and die a horrible death? You’ll just have to find out for yourself.

The final twice-told tale is “The House of the Seven Gables,” and I was disappointed to learn that there was no mention of biscuit dipping of any kind in this adaptation. Fail!

Anyway, this story was kind of hard to follow. Vincent Price plays Gerald Pyncheon shows up to the House of the Seven Gables with his wife Alice (Beverly Garland).

TTT7

Gerald’s sister Hannah (Jacqueline deWit) tells them that house is cursed and that all of the male heirs die a horrible death in the same blood stained chair year after year.

TTT6

The house is apparently haunted by a ghost of a man that Gerald’s ancestor betrayed and murdered years ago. Gerald is trying to negotiate a deal with that man’s descendent, Jonathan Maulle(Richard Denning). Gerald needs find out the secret location of a vault that contains some valuable documents. Jonathan refuses to help Gerald because he hates the Pyncheon family for what they did to his ancestor. Jonathan and Alice make googly eyes at each other, and make out for a bit. Gerald drives a pickaxe into his sister’s head, and eventually gets choked to death by a skeletal hand. The house collapses in on itself. The end. I’m sure it was a faithful adaptation other than the biscuit omission.

Five Things I Learned from Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Twice-Told Tales

  1. Firm flesh is a good sign that a corpse is in excellent shape.
  2. Purple poisonous plants petrify pests.
  3. When everyone one of your ancestors has died in the same way in the same house, don’t go into that house!
  4. When the walls start to bleed, get out of the house!
  5. Vincent Price can never get the girl.

 _______

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida

The Curator of Schlock #57: Lupin the 3rd (Farewell to Nostradamus)

19 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by in Anime, Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

The Curator of Schlock #57 by Jeff Shuster

Lupin the 3rd: Farewell to Nostradamus

(That’s not the Japanese title!)

Lupin poster

The third theatrical Lupin the 3rd animated feature is Lupin the 3rd The Legend of the Gold of Babylon. I used to have it on VHS back the day and remember it to be quite excruciating to watch. Unfortunately, I got rid of my VHS collection ages ago and The Legend of the Gold of Babylon is not currently on DVD. Rest assured, it will be presented in this museum if made available again. It’s just as well. That’s a convoluted title if I ever heard one: The Legend of the Gold of Babylon. You lose interest by the time you get to Babylon.

So if you remember my blogs from the past two weeks, you’ll know that I had quite a time procuring Lupin the 3rd The Mystery of Mamo and Lupin the 3rd The Castle of Cagliostro, but those were nothing compared to the monumental task of getting the fourth Lupin the 3rd feature, Farewell to Nostradamus. In the early days of the Internet, way before illegal streaming and illegal downloading, there were people online who would record and subtitle Japanese animation straight from Japan, and distribute them to you for the cost of a blank VHS tape and postage. So they weren’t making a profit from this and it was totally legal. Or maybe it wasn’t. Yeah, at the time I didn’t think it was legal so I refrained from sending a modest some for Lupin the 3rd Die, Nostradamus! Die! (Farewell to Nostradamus). Still, for the purposes of this review, let’s say that I did send out for a copy back in 1997 and received it ten months later.

Lupin 4

My first reaction was that this was the greatest Lupin movie ever! You see there’s this evil Nostradamus sect doing terrible things throughout the world. They claim to have the lost prophesies of Nostradamus and release a new one to the world right before the predicted disaster strikes. For instance, they’ll say a huge whale in the Atlantic Ocean will burn like the sun. They’ll then proceed to secretly blow up a nuclear submarine. Wow! That’s pretty darn evil. Still, it gets new members flocking to the sect everyday.

Lupin 3

So you’d think the cult would be unstoppable, but it turns out there’s an actual book of real lost Nostradamus prophecies. And it’s in a secret vault of one of the richest men in the United States of America. And that man is also running for President of the United States. What’s an evil cult to do? Kidnap the candidate’s 8-year-old daughter and use her as leverage to get into that vault and steal the lost prophesies. Yes, these guys are really evil.

Lupin 2

Lupin and the gang also want the lost prophecies. A mysterious buyer is offering $50,000,000 for them. Inspector Zenigata is back, this time he has a Lupin-sniffing robot at his disposal. There’s a giant building in Atlanta, GA filled with sports stadiums and ski resorts with actual snow, and if you don’t think this building is going to become a deathtrap later in the film, you don’t know Lupin the 3rd movies.

Lupin 8

Incidentally, the actual Japanese title of this movie translates to something close to Lupin the 3rd F@#$ You, Nostradamus! That is the greatest movie title of all time.

Five Things I Learned from Lupin the 3rd Farewell to Nostradamus

  1. Don’t join Nostradamus sects that blow up nuclear submarines.
  2. A glass eye makes a lovely keepsake.
  3. Rich girls don’t like to scoop water out of sinking boats.
  4. Beware of hypnotized Brazilian soccer players.
  5. Virtual Reality can be quite painful.

____________

Jeffrey Shuster 4

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #55: Lupin the 3rd

05 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by in Anime, The Curator of Schlock

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

,

The Curator of Schlock #55 by Jeff Shuster

Lupin the 3rd: The Mystery of Mamo

Okay, you Japanese animation fans, never let it be said that The Curator of Schlock doesn’t provide his readers with what they want.  First I want to point out that you younglings probably can’t appreciate just how good you have it when it comes to the sheer accessibility of Japanese animation. There were no video-streaming services back in the mid-1990s. If you were lucky, the Sci-Fi Channel would show a feature every once in awhile, but most of the time you would have to fork over twenty bucks at your local mall video store, the only place that carried these exotic cartoons from the east.

Lupin III

The covers would typically be branded with a “Not for Kids” label complete with a frowny faced child. I always found that sicker disturbing like I wasn’t supposed to purchasing said VHS tape unless I could guarantee it wouldn’t fall into the hands of a young tyke who didn’t know any better. But that was the allure of Japanese animation, the tug of forbidden cinema. When someone tells you that you’re not allowed to watch something, you may obey at first, but that curiosity festers inside until you can’t stand it anymore. And that’s the day you buy the Japanese cartoon with the frowny face sticker attached.

I didn’t really know what I was getting into when I bought Lupin the 3rd The Mystery of Mamo, the 1978 feature from director Sōji Yoshikawa. I was looking for an animated James Bond movie and, in a way, Lupin the 3rd fit that bill.

Lupin III 3

Lupin is definitely an international man of mystery who tangles with super villians, but the comparisons end there. Lupin is no spy, but a master thief, always after that one big score. He’s joined by Daisuke Jigan, and ex Chicago mobster, and Goemon Ishikawa, a wandering samurai. Lupin has a rival in the form of Fujiko Mine, a fellow master thief and femme fatal. Always in hot pursuit of Lupin the 3rdis Inspector Koichi Zenigata of Interpol. These five characters have been the subjects of several comics, television series, and, of course, feature films.

The first of the animated Lupin features was The Mystery of Mamo. What is it about? The movie starts off with Inspector Zenigata exploring Dracula’s castle only to find a dead Lupin the 3rd in coffin (which he promptly drives a stake into.) The movie ends with a giant brain floating into the sun.

Lupin III 4

In between, there’s a Duel style car chase, an Adolf Hitler clone, a henchman’s head that gets sliced into three pieces, Fujiko in the buff, Lupin in the buff, Henry Kissinger, and tons of atomic bombs. It is not a movie for the easily offended, but it is a movie for those with a good sense of humor. It comes from an era when movies could still shock and surprise, an era where your curiosity could be rewarded.

Lupin III 2

Want to know more about Lupin the 3rd? Check in next week when I review a movie that changed the course of film animation forever. By the way, a recent DVD release of Lupin the 3rd The Mystery of Mamo from Eastern Star contains no less than four English dubs. Looks like I’ll be purchasing this movie yet again.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #50: Jeff’s 7 Reasons Not Curate Schlock

01 Friday Aug 2014

Posted by in The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

The Curator of Schlock #50 by Jeff Shuster

Jeff’s 7 Reasons Not Curate Schlock

Curating schlock is not for everyone. I get a lot of would be schlock-meisters poking around this museum, looking for internship opportunities. Well, we just don’t let anyone through these doors. Frankly, if your idea of Schlock is a movie featuring a gorilla dining at TGI Fridays, you just don’t get it. I’m not going to take any of you on as my apprentice, but here are some helpful tips if you want to start your own Museum of Schlock. And yes, I am an expert. This is blog entry number 50 and I don’t care what Malcolm Gladwell claims, whenever someone writes 50 blogs on anything, that makes them an expert.

1.     Do not drink grape soda and/or grape juice while typing up your weekly entries. Grape liquids have a tendency slip from your fingers onto the keyboard, ruining any chance you have of getting that Lady Frankenstein review posted before Halloween. In fact, purple drinks in general have a habit of flying all over the place. Try Donald Duck Orange Juice instead. It’s the official drink of the Museum of Schlock, and it’s so revolting that you’ll only lift that can to your lips once.

Untitled 1

2.     Know that Italian zombies are superior to American zombies. They drink Southern Comfort, attack great white sharks, and can appear out of thin air. Sometimes they’ll appear on scaffolding 15 feet high just so they can jump off and make a fancy entrance.  You’ve still got to shoot them in the head like American zombies. Also, don’t confuse cannibals with Italian zombies. Cannibals are people, just like you and me.Untitled 4

3.     Blog entries are best written at 5 in the morning the day the blog is due. Sometimes it’s difficult to come up with things to say about a vigilante movie that you haven’t said in the previous 8 vigilante movies you reviewed. That’s where 5-hour Energy comes in handy. This sweet nectar of gods will send a jolt to your system. You’ll know it’s working if your hands start shaking. Avoid pomegranate flavor.

4.     Be sure to showcase Star Trek: The Motion Picture to people if you want to ensure they’ll never watch another Star Trek movie again. In fact, it’s a great film to show them if you want to ensure that they’ll never be a fan of science fiction. Now supporters of Star Trek: The Motion Picture may accuse its detractors of not having the “intellectual capacity to comprehend” the movie. What’s to comprehend? A giant space cloud wants to eat the planet Earth, but settles for making star love with the dad from 7th Heaven. The end.

5.     Ignore requests from friends and co-workers about which schlock movies to CURATE. You may hear something along the likes of “Hey, why don’t you review that movie about the killer tire.” Set standards! I can tell you at this establishment we don’t watch movies about killer tires, killer tomatoes, or killer gorillas.

Untitled 2

6.     You need to know who the greatest film composer of all time is. If you say John Williams, I’ll be tempted to slap you. It’s Keith Emerson, former member of Emerson, Lake, and Powell and master of the Moog. He’s composed scores for such films as Harmagedon, Godzilla Final Wars, Dario Argento’s Inferno, Murderock, and Nighthawks. Yeah, Nighthawks, the movie where Sylvestor Stallone and Billy Dee Williams play two rough and tumble New York City detectives on the heels of a serial killer terrorist, played by the sublime Rutger Hauer. Why haven’t I showcased this movie yet?

Untitled 3

7.     Making lists is great way to get readers to read your columns. It gives the information in digestible little chunks instead of over loading their corneas. Plus, people love lists: Christmas lists, grocery lists, revenge lists, etc.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #49: Superman IV

25 Friday Jul 2014

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

The Curator of Schlock #49 by Jeff Shuster

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

(It’s not that bad)

Untitled 1

Now we’ll wrap up Patriot’s Month with Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. When I think of the red, white, and blue, I think of Superman. Granted he dresses in red, yellow, and blue, but he also supports Truth, Justice, and the American Way! Unfortunately, Rocky Balboa’s “We ain’t so different!” speech at the end of Rocky IV must softened many hearts because Superman IV is all about ending the nuclear arms race. Psh. A little nuclear winter never hurt anybody.

1987’s Superman IV: The Quest for Peace starts off with Russian cosmonauts not realizing the gravity of their situation when a piece of space junk knocks poor Yuri to his doom. Never fear. Superman (Chistopher Reeve) saves poor Yuri delivering him safely back to the space craft.

Untitled 6

You know, I remember back in the 80s how terrified we all were that the Soviet Union would the first to land someone on Mars. We were afraid that the red planet would really become the Red Planet. Thank goodness for the end of the Cold War. Now no one has to ever land on Mars!

What else? The Daily Planet is being taken over by David Warfield (Sam Wanamaker), a newspaper tycoon who specializes in tabloid journalism much to the chagrin of Clark Kent (Christopher Reeve), Lois Lane (Margot Kidder), Jimmy Olsen (Marc McClure), and Perry White (Jackie Cooper). Lacy Warfield (Mariel Hemingway, who happens to be Ernest’s granddaughter and portrayed Dorothy Stratton in Star 80) is the new boss’s daughter and she has a thing for mild-mannered Clark Kent. So Lois Lane is in love with Superman and Lacy Warfield is in love with Clark Kent.

Untitled 4

This is interesting situation that allows Superman and Clark Kent to go on a double date with these two ladies and hilarity ensues. Superman uses his heat vision to roast a duck for Lois so we can add duck-roasting to his list of super powers. One thing I never liked about these movies was how they kept inventing super powers for Superman. Like how he can all of the sudden speak in any language. I remember on Smallville he could barely speak a full sentence of Spanish. Yes, I watched Smallville. All ten seasons and it was excellent! I got to see what would happen if Clark Kent took out a bad guy with a bowling ball on that show, and it exceeded my expectations.

Back to Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Some schoolboy named Jeremy wants Superman to get rid of all the world’s nuclear weapons. I would have thought this was a pretty good idea back in the day provided the United States of America was excluded from this arrangement. Superman is mum on the matter until the new Daily Planet shames him into making a public statement. The floating heads in The Fortress of Solitude tell him to say no and find a new planet to rule, but Superman can’t let little Jeremy down so he tell the United Nations he’ll throw all of the nuclear weapons into the sun. And Superman does just that and everything is jim-dandy. The end.

Untitled 5

Oh wait. I forgot to mention that Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) breaks out of prison. He and his nephew, Lenny (Jon Cryer) decide to create a super villain out of Superman’s DNA mixed with a bit of nuclear radiation. He’s called Nuclear Man and he likes to “hurt people.” How can Superman defeat such a monster? You’ll have to watch the movie to find out.

Untitled 2

You know speaking of Jon Cryer, was anyone else upset over the ending Pretty in Pink? I mean, yeah, I’ll concede that Blane wasn’t like the other rich kids at school and was worthy of Andie’s affection, but where did that leave Duckie? I bet the guy never found true love again. It’s not fair!

Five Things I Learned from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
  1. Clark Kent can’t hit a curve ball.
  2. Urban sprawl is ruining America’s farms
  3. Lois Lane can’t speak French very well.
  4. The dark side of the moon isn’t so dark.
  5. Richard Pryor is a more credible villain than Nuclear Man.

_______

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47, episode 102) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #39: Van Damme and Trejo, Together Again for the First Time

16 Friday May 2014

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

The Curator of Schlock #39 by Jeffrey Shuster

Desert Heat: Van Damme and Trejo, Together Again for the First Time

Desert Heat 1

In Desert Heat from director John G. Avildsen, Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Eddie Lomax, a motorcycle enthusiast who has given up on life. He drives his Indian out to middle of the desert with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a .45 in the other. When his motorcycle breaks down, Lomax is ready to meet his maker, but sees the ghost of his friend, Johnny Sixtoes (Danny Trejo) instead. Lomax proudly proclaims how he’s going to kill himself, shooting his .45 off at random. Lomax accidently fires off a round at the pickup of some of the local redneck, methamphetamine drug lords and they don’t take too kindly to his drunken antics. They beat him up, shoot him in the shoulder, leave him for dead, and—worst of all—steal his Indian motorcycle.

Johnny Sixtoes shows up, so I guess he wasn’t dead, technically.

Desert Heat 2

I think Lomax and Sixtoes had been in the army and saw some terrible things (which is why Lomax wanted to kill himself), but getting left for dead by rednecky methamphetamine drug-lords would give anyone a reason to live. You know, for revenge. Plus, there’s a waitress in town named Rhonda (Gabrielle Fitzpatrick) who makes an apple pie that puts a smile on Lomax’s face, but one can’t help, but think it’s Rhonda herself that’s putting that smile on his face. Let’s just say there might be wedding bells in their future.

Lomax must take care of the redneck, methamphetamine drug lords first. By the way, they’re known as The Heathens. I probably should have mentioned that earlier so I wouldn’t have to keep repeating redneck, methamphetamine drug lords for the first three paragraphs of this review. Anyway, The Heathens are making life a living hell for the local residents, scaring away elderly tourists, being rude to Rhonda, and harassing Dottie Matthews (Jaime Pressly), the other waitress who works at Rhonda’s diner.

Desert Heat 3

Lomax convinces a rival gang that The Heathens want them dead. He does this by shooting at them and saying he works for The Heathens. He rescues two women from the rival gang who thank him with a tryst in his hotel room.

Desert Heat 4

The hotel is run by an old lady who’s a Christian fundamentalist with a penchant for snake charming and Wild Turkey. You’d think she’d be offended by such lascivious behavior, but she enjoys the show Lomax is putting on.

Desert Heat 5As the bodies pile up, Lomax employs the services of Jubai Early (Pat Morita), a handyman who’s handy at wrapping dead bodies in plastic wrap before dumping them in a sand pit in the desert. During an attack on The Heathens, Sixtoes gets shot to death, but he comes back at the end of the film riding an Indian motorcycle while the Navajo god Coyote runs alongside him. Perhaps Sixtoes was Coyote all along. Ponder that for awhile.

It’s kept me up at night.

5 Things I Learned from Desert Heat

  1. Tank tops are fashionable as long as you wear a cowboy hat.
  2. You haven’t heard the words apple pie until you’ve heard them with a French accent.
  3. Never send a newbie gang member who’s shy about shooting folks to finish off Van Damme. He won’t see it through.
  4. If you see the ghost of Danny Trejo, good things will follow.
  5. No apple pie is as good as the apple pie made by Rhonda in Desert Heat.

___________

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #35: Mortal Kombat

11 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

The Curator of Schlock #35 by Jeffrey Shuster

Mortal Kombat = Mortal Komplicated!

Okay. Time to roll out the big guns (err, fists) with 1995’s Mortal Kombat from director Paul W. S. Anderson.

Untitled 1

Oh man. Where do I even begin? Mortal Kombat was the game back the mid 90s. I remember getting my copy of Mortal Kombat II for Super Nintendo at the Suncoast Video in the mall for $59.99. It came with three posters and a cassete tape with the Mortal Kombat theme song on it. Cool beans! But then the Mortal Kombat movie came a few months later and, well, it was a movie. Or a two-hour music video. Ah, who cares? It’s Mortal Kombat!

What’s the plot? The evil sorcerer Shang Tsung is gathering the best martial artists from around the world so he can steal their souls and become all-powerful. He’s joined by Kano, a criminal cyborg, a pair of Chinese assassins named Scorpion and Sub-Zero, and Goro, a big, monster dude with four arms.

Untitled 2

The good guys are led by Raiden, the Chinese god of thunder (obviously, Christopher Lambert).

Untitled 8

Liu Kang, a Shaolin monk, Johnny Cage, a hotshot Hollywood action star, and Sonya Blade, a Special Forces officer are the film’s protagonists.

This makes things confusing since there are three of them and I don’t know which one I’m supposed to root for. Sonya kills Kano by breaking his neck (they don’t build cyborgs like they used to). Johnny Cage takes out Scorpion (who is really scary since he’s like ghost/undead guy who can breathe fire out of his mouth). Liu Kang fights Sub-Zero and puts him on ice (Ha!). Goro turns out to be rather intimidating since he can grab contestants with his lower arms and pound them with the other two. Johnny Cage avoids this fate by punching Goro in the sweet spot and sending him plummeting over a cliff.

I guess by this point Shang Tsung is getting impatient so he kidnaps Sonja Blade and flees to Outworld, another planet or another dimension or something to that effect.

Untitled 1

It’s the place where all the scary bad guys come from. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Shang Tsung isn’t from Earth. He serves the Emperor of Outworld, a mysterious figure who wants to conquer Earth for nefarious purposes. The emperor also has sexy daughter, Princess Kitana, who’s decided to aid Liu Kang in his quest to do something something. Aargh! I can’t keep track of any of this! Why do they have to make movies so complicated?

The highlight fight in the movie is Liu Kang vs. Reptile. There’s something to be said about a watching a guy get kicked through a brick wall, especially when he gets kicked in the face right after getting through the brick wall. It’s the little things life that something something.

 Ten Thing I Learned from Mortal Kombat

  1. Don’t trust shape-shifting sorcerers.
  2. When the shape shifting sorcerer turns into your dead brother right before your eyes, it’s not really your dead brother.
  3. Christopher Lambert is good in anything.
  4. You don’t get second chances in Mortal Kombat…unless you’re playing the video game.
  5. Bad guys love to mess with Shaolin monks. Just ask Kwai Chang Caine!
  6. Cyborgs with Australian accents are more intimidating than cyborgs with American accents.
  7. Techno music always accompanies kung fu battles.
  8. Don’t fight a monster dude with four arms. Just don’t do it.
  9. Don’t fight a guy who can freeze you to death with his bare hands.
  10. Don’t enter tournaments hosted by soul eating sorcerers.

___________

Jeffrey Shuster 2

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

 

The Curator of Schlock #34: Double Dragon

04 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

 The Curator of Schlock #34 by Jeffrey Shuster

Double Dragon: Two for One!

I’ve been getting some complaints that I don’t do enough kung fu movies. Well, I’m afraid my kung fu knowledge ends with Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, the greatest television show of all time. There was this one episode where this evil stage magician was killing audience members with evil magic tricks and it was up to Kwai Chang Caine to stop him. That was a great episode. Anyway, this is a movie blog, not a TV blog. I don’t know much about kung fu movies, but I do know a bit about kung fu video games. And I know that movies have been made off of these kung fu video games. So this week’s kung fu extravaganza is none other than 1994s Double Dragon from director James Yukich.

Double_Dragon_1994_movie_poster

Okay. So there’s this magic medallion that will give the wearer total control over the body and total control of the soul which means you take total control of a major American city. That city is New Angeles, a post-apocalyptic version of Los Angeles. You see, after the great earthquake, the gangs swarmed the remains of the city. I guess Paul Kersey wasn’t around to take care of business and work some overtime. The police brokered a deal with the gangs. They leave the city alone during the day and they can do whatever they want at night. Combating these gangs is a group known as the Power Corp led by Marian Delario (Alyssa Milano).

Untitled 5

If the gangs aren’t bad enough, there’s an evil criminal business tycoon by the name of Koga Shuko (Robert Patrick).

Untitled 2

He wants the Double Dragon so he can rule over New Angeles. Unfortunately for Shuko, he only owns half of the medallion, the part the controls the soul. The other half of the medallion(the one that controls the body) is in the possession of two brothers, Billy Lee (Scott Wolf) and Jimmy Lee (Mark Dacascos.) Shuko wants that medallion and will stop at nothing to get it. He pumps the head gang leader so full of steroids that he turned into this mutant freak named Bo Abobo.

Untitled 1

There’s a scene where Marian is force-feeding him spinach to make him talk. It’s quite disturbing.

Anyway, as hard as Billy and Jimmy fight against Shoku, he eventually gets both medallions. And then bad things start to happen like Shoku sucking all electricity from the city and summoning demon warriors. Will Jimmy and Billie Lee join up with Power Core and fight with them to save the city? You’ll have to watch to find out. Hey, it’s free on Netfiz.

Ten Things I Learned from Double Dragon

  1. The 90s did not suck.
  2. Scott Wolf acted before Party of Five.
  3. When Robert Patrick gets his tips frosted, he goes to the root.
  4. Double Dragon did not shed light on my Alyssa Milano dream.
  5. Robert Patrick can be surprisingly animated when he’s playing a supervillian.
  6. If your name is Abobo, you deserve the worst the world has to offer you.
  7. Virtual reality games will be all the rage by 2007.
  8. Vanna White makes a swell TV news anchor.
  9. It doesn’t do you any good to stare at photos of bikini wearing women when you’re a mutant freak.
  10. Super villians shouldn’t wear bathrobes. It’s undignified.

___________

Jeffrey Shuster 2

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

 

The Curator of Schlock #33: Battle Beyond the Stars

28 Friday Mar 2014

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

The Curator of Schlock #33 by Jeffrey Shuster

Battle Beyond the Stars: Better Never than Late

Untitled 1

John Saxon returns to the Museum of Schlock in Battle Beyond the Stars, the story of how the evil Sador of the Malmori (John Saxon) and his army of deformed mutant freaks tried to conquer Akir,  a pathetic farming planet. Things were going okay for him in the beginning. Sador’s giant starship The Hammerhead makes short work of space weather reporters before descending to the planet. The crowd of peasant losers looks on as a giant projection of Sador’s disembodied head declares that he’s going to conquer them with his stellar converter. That would be enough for me to throw my hands up, let me tell you. John Saxon is scary enough, but a giant John Saxon head is downright terrifying.

Anyway, all hope is not lost. There is a young boy hero, unsure of himself, but pure of heart, who goes on a quest to find a bunch of mercenaries to help fight against the invaders. His name is Shad and he’s played by Richard Thomas, the same actor who played John-Boy on The Waltons. I like the name John-Boy better than Shad so we’ll call him John-Boy for the rest of the review. So John-Boy goes off in search of adventure in a spaceship that resembles a part of the female anatomy. The ship’s onboard computer is named Nell and she’s a bit of a nagging mom type. John-Boy tries to recruit the help of Dr. Hephaestus who makes robots that look just like people. Dr. Hephaestus wants John-Boy to mate with his beautiful young daughter Nanelia so he can get some grandkids. John-Boy has no interest in mating and goes his way.

At some point in the movie John-Boy runs into a space cowboy names Cowboy (George Peppard) and gets him to join the fight.

Untitled 2

Sador blows up a planet of Dinosaur men. Good riddance I say. I hate Dinosaur men!

Untitled 1

There’s a Valkyrie woman named Saint Exmin ( Sybil Danning) from a race known as the Valkyrie and she wants to recharge John-Boy’s capacitators if you know what I mean.

Untitled 3

There’s a race of clone alien guys who experience whatever the other is experiencing. Like if one eats a hot dog the others taste it. For their sake, I hope it was Nathan’s.

Untitled 1

Let’s see. Who else joins up? I seem to recall Robert Vaughn showing up at some point. I think he plays an ex-assassin or something. I remember when Robert Vaughn guest starred on Kung Fu: The Legend Continues. I think he played an ex-assassin in that episode too. Let’s see. Who else? There’s a last surviving dinosaur man that joins the fight. Sador kills him, too! Yeah. In fact, Sador and his goons kill everyone except for John-Boy. Will John-Boy manage to trick Sador of the Malmori to hook a tractor beam onto the female anatomy spaceship, which John-boy was smart enough to start the self-destruct sequence of? Maybe. And Sador and his ship will blow up. And everyone will be happy because John Saxon got what he deserved.

Ten Things I Learned from Battle Beyond the Stars

  1. You’re better off having good sets than good models.
  2. I need to start making references to Kung Fu The Legend Continues in every review going forward.
  3. John Saxon really can’t laugh maniacally.
  4. Dinosaur Men suck and they need to die!
  5. When the Operating Systems become sentient like the ones in Her, I want mine to act just like Nell.
  6. You can watch Battle Beyond the Stars and discover something new about it every time.
  7.  I lied about number 6.
  8. I lied about number 5 too.
  9. Assassins make the most dynamic characters. I mean, they kill people for a living. That’s hardcore!
  10. Some planets aren’t worth saving.

___________

 

Jeffrey Shuster 2

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.

The Curator of Schlock #32: Warwick Davis is The Leprechaun

21 Friday Mar 2014

Posted by in Film, The Curator of Schlock

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

The Curator of Schlock #32 by Jeffrey Shuster

Warwick Davis is The Leprechaun

Here’s your stupid Leprechaun review! I know St. Patty’s day was on Monday, so this review is late. I don’t care. Do you know why? Leprechaun ain’t that good. The movie starts out with an Irishman by the name of Daniel O’Grady who’s ecstatic over the fact that he kidnapped a leprechaun on his last trip to Ireland and managed to get his hands a pot of gold. Unfortunately said Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) follows O’Grady back to the states. He knocks O’Grady’s wife down the cellar stairs, killing her instantly. O’Grady manages to pack the leprechaun up in a crate, sealing it with a four leaf clover (the only thing Leprechauns are vulnerable to). But the leprechaun has the last laugh by making poor O’Grady have a stroke.

Untitled 1

The movie should have ended there, but audiences and theater chains tend to frown on ten minute features, so they tack a Leprechaun sequel onto the ten minute Leprechaun movie. The Leprechaun sequel stars a pre-Friends Jennifer Aniston as Tory, a hip 90s-era teenager who hates eating meat and misses Los Angeles.

untitled 1

She can’t stand the fact that her dad decided to rent the O’Grady farmhouse for the summer. Tory doesn’t like the idea of spending the summer in South Dakota, but starts to warm to the place when she meets Nathan, a hunky house painter who is painting their rented house. Nathan has a kid brother named Alex working for him along with the town simpleton Ozzie Jones.

Untitled 1

While fumbling around in the basement, Ozzie removes the four leaf clover and sets the leprechaun loose upon the world. The Leprechaun is hunting for his lost gold and unleashes a nightmare of terror on the community. Well, he kills a couple of guys at any rate. He kills the local rare coin merchant with a pogo stick, pounding up on him again and again until the dude is a bloody pulp. He also manages to take out an on duty police officer. I guess they didn’t cover leprechauns at the police academy. Will the leprechaun’s reign of terror end? Will Nathan’s kid brother attach a four leaf clover to some bubble gum and it at The Leprechaun with his slingshot? Who cares? The 90s sucked for horror movies and Leprechaun is no exception. Any movie that features a monster that likes to shine shoes in his spare time isn’t inspired. It’s just plain stupid.

Still better than Friends, though.

Ten Things I Learned from Leprechaun

  1. Leprechauns will threaten you, claiming they’ll tear your ear off and make a boot out of it.
  2. Warwick Davis is good in anything.
  3. Leprechauns like to kiss their gold.
  4. Chasing rainbows can make you a wealthy man.
  5. Leprechauns have sharp teeth and they will bite you.
  6. You can’t kill a Leprechaun with bullets. They’re magical creatures.
  7. Leprechauns speak with Irish accents. Who knew?
  8. Movie meatloaf isn’t like real life meatloaf.
  9. Leprechauns aren’t big into sharing.
  10. The Irish ain’t so lucky.

___________

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Photo by Leslie Salas.

Jeffrey Shuster (episode 47) is an MFA candidate and instructor at the University of Central Florida.